Labels: move on
Joke is not a unfamiliar word in my life but there's only a few that left me with deep impressions. I didn't expect that I would ever brought up this matter again, I guess life is a little unexpected than I expected. Some friends, via SMS, via Facebook message, just to ask for my opinions about retaking A level in school. I am a little reserve about this because I felt that there's nothing much for me to share with them. Well, my grades ain't that fantastic, I only hit the average.
Upon getting my results, many asked the same question whether am I regret for retaking. I answered in a moderate manner consistently. "Nope, not at all. I will still choose to retake if I could choose again". To think they could doubt my decision. Yet my decision make a fool out of itself. It maybe a foolish act in the eyes of other but seriously I will still choose to retake. It is not because I am being purely obstinate. I just felt that it is an incomplete business that I have to finish it before moving on. That's all.
At least, in these seven and a half months, I learnt that if you want something bad enough you have to get it yourself! This is seriously the most painful lesson I have learn up till now. I wasted 3 years of my life going against what I promised myself at the start of my A level journey. I missed my golden opportunity in 2009 just because of .. So don't tell me it's just misunderstanding.. I won't believe it. I seriously don't know how am I going to cease my hatred. Can I? Back in the 7.5 months retaking in school, almost everyday without fail, my tears just flow non stop during my way home on the bus. Who can ever understand that feeling whenever I have to wipe away my tears before i reach home BECAUSE I don't want anyone to see me crying. Do you really think I enjoy going back doing all these shit again? Waking up, getting dress, going through that maundering assembly, I didn't rant about it doesn't mean I'm fine with it. It's because I know ranting won't do any help. Nonetheless, 2010 to me is a very fulfilling year.
Seriously, I am very tired. I am so freaking scare that my nonchalance towards the person I really hate might get exposed (it is already being exposed). For more than two years in school, I am living my life in this manner. To think I could fool myself forever, but I was wrong. So this is what a Nemesis means. That person is bound to curse my life. Thanks to him, I made a irreversible decision, for which I regretted most.
I know I might sound a bit too dramatic. But ever since I graduated, I start to have nightmares that wake me up in the middle of night. I dream of myself pretending, crying in a corner and the fear of losing... ENOUGH I don't ever wish to get hold of it. I... really don't know what's the correct and effective way to deal with my demons. Hello, I don't want to hate someone either. It's a pain-striken ordeal!
It's a never ending process I guess. Give me a few more years, perhaps I might straighten it out soon.
Labels: move on
I am traumatized when my friends found out things I don't want them to know. That's precisely we are close. hence I felt that somethings are better to keep mum. Therefore, I chose not to talk about the reason why I hate him so much. I don't know.. perhaps I just refused to admit or I am still running away from it. As for now, I don't know who is tracking my blog but whatever I typed here are definitely unconcealed.
They are a bunch of nice friends and they look amusing when they ask me to pour my sorrows out. They tried two attempts. First, we had a hotpot session up till late night in the midst of their prelim week. We talked through the night but we ended up gossiping about others hahahaha. For the second try, which was 2 days ago, we were suppose to support a friend's friend stall at the flea market but we ended up having a heavy dinner in a Korean restaurant. We ate BBQ meat and I believed the three of us went home full of contentment-our stomach.
Both attempts were a flop. I do appreciate their efforts and I tried to push my emotions out but I just simply don't feel the agony at all. Have you ever tried eating an expired can food? It turns sour, the original flavor/taste is gone. This logic applies perfectly onto my situation. Think about it, how long had my affliction expired? ( more than a year) Simply put, the freshness is gone. I no longer feel the pain.. I still feel a little upset though but that's it, nothing much.
Today, I went out with one of my close high school friend. I couldn't believe she broke down in front of me during our dine out session. That's the first time I see her crying in front of me! Poor her, she had some conflicts with her long distant cyber boyfriend which I 100% disapprove their relationship. After listening to her part of story, I think I understand why she choose to indulge in this obviously won't have any ending relationship. At least she could cry it out, I can't, idk why.. I just can't squeeze any tears out. But if i were her, I won't choose to lie to myself, I rather face the facts.
So if I could choose all over all again, I believed I wouldn't have pretended that nothing happens at all. Being a fake is too tiring, I would rather be true to myself. Perhaps that's why 2010 was a less tedious year. I sincerely hope my hatred could cease one day, even if it might take/will take a longer time, bit by bit, it's alright. Till the day comes where my hatred for my nemesis is drained, then I shall become a gust of wind.
I came across this ; 由爱故生忧，由爱故生怖。若离於爱者，无忧亦无怖。
(It means our worries and fears are because of love. Especially when we can't let go of someone we truly love. Hence, once we leave the one we love, our worries and fears will be gone.)
I've already gave my blessing to my nemesis and from that moment onwards we are no longer related in anyway. I don't wanna know a single thing about him and I don't want him to know mine either. So long as we don't run into each other anymore, nothing matters. I will take it as I never know this person, take it as I loss my memories.
Did we even met in the first place? I must be having a nightmare. And I'm glad that it is just a nightmare. I'm awake now.
Alright night