Labels: move on
Hi new year eve. I'm eating a sweet made by pure hearted nuns in Hokkaido.
This post is a tough one as it took me a month to settle down n type it out in front of my IMAC whereby the atmosphere in my house is suitable. (Alright cut the craps.)
I've lost counts on how many events happening in my life that ain't suppose to be in this way. Such as New year not like new year, Christmas not like Christmas and birthday not like birthday. But I can't answer how are these events suppose to be like, if you were to ask me -.-
They are all amazing, amusing and provoking at the same time. This is how 2010 looks like to me.
On hindsight, i've asked myself many times whether have I neglected the advices given and insist being oblivion? (I think I didn't) Talking about regrets, just like Frank Sinatra sung "regrets I had a few, but then again too few to mention". In short, no body likes to talk about it because its ugly. However, how am I suppose to break free if I refuse to look at the ugly scars i have. Therefore, I've decided to confess.. Yea confess my mistakes and then forgive myself and move on with life.
Alright.. How am I suppose to start? When is it that I started hating myself? (I don't remember)
Through out the whole december, I've gotten the same responds from my friends. They all requested that I should let go of myself by confessing to a close friend but to put it in a crude manner, it means to say out my illogical and embarrassing happenings that involve my dignity to a living person. HELL NO! So I did told my close friends but not the whole of it.. just some bits here and there. Not that I wanted things to be in this way but I can't organize my thoughts as they are too fragmented. I mean I don't know which is the cause and which is the effect as they all seems to entwine. Even now, I find it hard to type it out.
I once lose faith with people especially guys. Jerks I've seen a lot, so much so that I had enough of their ugly side that I have to admit i'm once a sexist person. What I regretted most and perhaps also the reason why I couldn't forgive myself is that I failed to protect myself from being hurt by a bastard I've met in my high school days. (Its alright annie, its over, everything will be fine) I....... seriously don't ever wish to see this person appearing in front of me anymore. I've forgive myself and I feel less guilty now for everything he caused (directly or indirectly)
such as retaking my A level. I won't curse him (although this seems to be my style). How should i put it? Urmmm If you still hate someone that's because you still love that person. But if I realize I don't have this feeling anymore... what does this mean?
I was reading through the posts I wrote in the past. I can't believe that I once typed this out. Although my feeling has changed, the agony I felt while typing it out still lingers in my heart. As for now, 2 years have passed. Reading this post(right) still somehow triggers my tears. I don't know why but definitely not because I missed him.
I really intended to shut this blog down as I used to think that deleting the unhappiness in this blog might be a good way to put things to an end. But then I hesitated. Very unlikely but yes.. i hesitated. Haix I don't wish to kill anymore of my brain cells asking myself why.. because I know there's a thousand reasons to this.
Urmmm currently, I don't have any plans to move on. All can only be done after i've gotten my results back. I don't know whats waiting for me but i have this foreboding.. feeling quite uneasy now. Rest assure that I wont allow my thoughts to run wild. All is fine and well taken care of and i'm currently having a break. The sweetness of doing nothing. :)