Labels: move on
I forced myself to accept DDE as my final H2 grades, it will be I'm very sure about this and I juz hope when that day arrives, with a little more mental preparedness... I wont be that traumatized.
I thought through this for a long time and I decided to type this out. Perhaps the best way to let go and move on is to face it directly. I'm afraid that my memories might failed me one day so if I leave this blog as it is (a space provided for me to look back and see whether have I grown up), I think I will feel more relieve. All these bits of memories happening in these past two years be it happy or sad, it is still a part of me and it can never be erased.
Many times when I feel blissed, when all the good things seem to come to me I'd tend to be very worried. Coz it's too gd to be true. The period of time which I feel blissed was this year after my common test where I've gotten back my H1 A lvl results and common test results. Hmmm friends around are doing fine, cca was fine too and I'm glad that my family members are fine too. I felt content at that point in time. I felt as if I have everything I wanted all at once. Very peaceful very calm. I miss those days. However, sad to say this was the only happy stuff I have in MI.
I'm not very sure since when, when I fall for that person two years ago, time seems to be moving very slowly and I thought I would stuck there forever. Yeah..and not long after he got a gf my life gets even harder. The weird thing is people change especially when they faced problem concerning life and death from their surrounding. I'm not an exception either. That time I really hope that there is someone there to give me support and condolences and I really hope that someone is him but...nope. I remember seeing him after Standard Charted Marathon'07 with his gf having lunch I guess. Actually the pain is unbearable but I know I have to get on with life and live seriously everyday treasuring e ppl around me. I won't say I've succeed but I'm more than half succeed hahaha...I really have a different point of view about life after that.
I spent quite sometime trying to forget this person and I tried to let go also. I really did it! Although school work was very stressful and I'm having some problem with my cca also but I remembered my life was peaceful without him at that time. Even after knowing he broke up with his gf, it doesn't seems to perturb me at all.
Its really hard to guess what the heaven is up to. The funny thing is perhaps I'm a slave to my fate. Heaven loves to play tricks but I've never given myself any false hope. I really thought that for everything related to him would have ended after I've decided to get on with my life seriously. However, man proposes god disposes. Things just don't go according to how I wanted it to be.
Once again, I told myself maybe it wasn't that bad to make a friend. Maybe it's ok for me to allow him to occupy a very small percentage of my life. I thought I'm ready. If I can choose again.. I will say I am regret for doing so.
Actually it wasn't that hard to forget someone especially when that person doesn't share much memories with you. Come to think about it, I tried to recall back some happy moments he brought to me as a friend then I started laughing..hahaha NONE.
Do you know how terrific I was when I saw his message? After..a don't know how long. He totally controlled my mood and I know this wasn't a gd sign. I regretted chatting with him that day coz I think he is talking rubbish. Another thing was the conspiracy. It's not a very serious thing la but the respect and sincerity that friends shld have wasn't there. Maybe there is some misunderstanding, I don't know, I don't wanna know either but I'm very sure as a friend..a very normal friend, he didn't respect me at all. I did some reflection..maybe I shld take things more lightly coz he doesn't care at all. But I just can't help feeling perturbed.
Of course the next thing to do is to prevent such thing from happening. I think the best way is to ignore, maintain and don't bother. Ignore whatever he said, don't bother about anything relating him and maintain the very super normal hi-bye friendship. I don't understand how come it is so hard to do so.. I really tried. I didn't even ans him when he talks to me. I pretend I never see him and even make a detour around the school when I saw him. What do you still want me to do? I did everything I could..
I give up.. but then I felt as if I was his entertainment. He talks to me when he feels bored esp in the library. Force me to listen to his crap. Every time talk about the same thing Lam fung, HK drama,Lam fung, HK drama.... He makes me feel that he just talk for the sake of talking and because he have nothing else to talk about and so keep talking abt e same thing.
I know it's an obvious signal that when this person wasn't there when u need him, for many times he still wasn't there, I know the heaven has alrdy given me the answer. If I can choose. I rather I never knew him for which all the memories are disappointing. To hate someone really takes up a lot of energy and I'm not capable of doing so..really.
Anyway, whatever it is I really wish him well. I will remember that u will always be my friend. I hope that he will do well for his A lvl and stay healthy. Nemesis, this will be the last time I'm praying for you. All the best.
PS: Don't ever run into each other again. God bless
Labels: goes on
Initially I intend to shut this blog down because most of the posts are not worth to reminisce but I think the only value left is to serve as a reminder. Until this point of time, I think I have nothing much to blog so I shall leave this blog as how it is.
Seriously, I don't know where will I be in 6 months' time. Having struggled with this problem, I know I've hurt my closest ones. The more I indulged in this the more I feel unfilial. I really don't know how to solve this problem. What's going to happen next? I... hahahaha am feeling a bit helpless now.
Few days back, the skies were rather clear and I could see the stars clearly. For that particular star I meant the brightest one was after a yr plus still there at the same position twinkling. Nothing's changed. Maybe I complicated the stuff.
It's been a wk since I last step out of my house. Feeling rather peaceful now and so let's just keep it this way for the time being. No more senior no more so far yet so close. My world.. my world only contains those I cared most.