Labels: move on
Joke is not a unfamiliar word in my life but there's only a few that left me with deep impressions. I didn't expect that I would ever brought up this matter again, I guess life is a little unexpected than I expected. Some friends, via SMS, via Facebook message, just to ask for my opinions about retaking A level in school. I am a little reserve about this because I felt that there's nothing much for me to share with them. Well, my grades ain't that fantastic, I only hit the average.
Upon getting my results, many asked the same question whether am I regret for retaking. I answered in a moderate manner consistently. "Nope, not at all. I will still choose to retake if I could choose again". To think they could doubt my decision. Yet my decision make a fool out of itself. It maybe a foolish act in the eyes of other but seriously I will still choose to retake. It is not because I am being purely obstinate. I just felt that it is an incomplete business that I have to finish it before moving on. That's all.
At least, in these seven and a half months, I learnt that if you want something bad enough you have to get it yourself! This is seriously the most painful lesson I have learn up till now. I wasted 3 years of my life going against what I promised myself at the start of my A level journey. I missed my golden opportunity in 2009 just because of .. So don't tell me it's just misunderstanding.. I won't believe it. I seriously don't know how am I going to cease my hatred. Can I? Back in the 7.5 months retaking in school, almost everyday without fail, my tears just flow non stop during my way home on the bus. Who can ever understand that feeling whenever I have to wipe away my tears before i reach home BECAUSE I don't want anyone to see me crying. Do you really think I enjoy going back doing all these shit again? Waking up, getting dress, going through that maundering assembly, I didn't rant about it doesn't mean I'm fine with it. It's because I know ranting won't do any help. Nonetheless, 2010 to me is a very fulfilling year.
Seriously, I am very tired. I am so freaking scare that my nonchalance towards the person I really hate might get exposed (it is already being exposed). For more than two years in school, I am living my life in this manner. To think I could fool myself forever, but I was wrong. So this is what a Nemesis means. That person is bound to curse my life. Thanks to him, I made a irreversible decision, for which I regretted most.
I know I might sound a bit too dramatic. But ever since I graduated, I start to have nightmares that wake me up in the middle of night. I dream of myself pretending, crying in a corner and the fear of losing... ENOUGH I don't ever wish to get hold of it. I... really don't know what's the correct and effective way to deal with my demons. Hello, I don't want to hate someone either. It's a pain-striken ordeal!
It's a never ending process I guess. Give me a few more years, perhaps I might straighten it out soon.