Labels: quandary
Alright, after sinking for quite sometime I've decided to type out how I feel during the past few weeks. After got fooled and felt so embarrassed for only a week, I got myself out from that uncertain and unclear situation.
Sadness is gone (definitely), but I got to know myself better. Thanks to this idiot which makes me realise that I still bother about how that someone think of me. The moment I got fooled I felt so angry but I don't feel jealous at all. Initially thought of hating that idiot but after a week this kind of feeling starts to fade away. Whatever it is related to that idiot doesn't bother me anymore. (well, anyway thanks to xiu's encouragement that muz take revenge hahha) Oo come on, no one is indispensable.. urmm k perhaps I haven met one.
**K,I'm done with that idiot**
Yesterday was a bad day for me. I broke my Mickey head hair tie rubber band in the morning where all the bling bling diamond like thingy fall out and I have to think of a way to fix it back. I was unhappy not bcoz I have to stay until 4 plus, in fact leaving sch before 5 is consider quite early. I just don't like that sudden changes and I didn't bring any notes for that lesson. I got Pang Seh by two frenzs which agree to play Big 2 during that free period and I'm left to mug my math in the library..
Got even piss off when I'm stuck in one of those stupid question. I'm feeling terrible not bcoz I'm stuck. I used to be able to do these type of questions last year. K, is a revision. I keep bracing myself up by telling myself that I haven been doing this for the past 7 months so is pretty normal that I forgot how to do. But it's useless! Arrhh... I think I'm juz feeling stress so my brain doesn't work that well anymore..at least for math. I feel as if I'm sinking.
So I gave myself a break and that's today-skipped school. I think I need a few days to calm down coz I don't wanna c people don't wanna c sunlight. I know I'm stubborn, headstrong, wilful and perhaps unreasonable sometimes. I know I have attitude problem coz I tend to dislike whoever I see if I'm bu shuang. Ya..ya.. I seriously appreciate those who endure such a girl like me. That's y I choose to sit somewhere else away from the crowd whenever I'm feeling so down.
I know I have reach a point of stagnation. Nothing went right for me hahha. So much effort put in and yet nothing change (I'm referring to my studies). Something is wrong with my attitude. I feel so rebellious at times. Hai..whatever la. I've anticipated that my Geo will fail in my prelim 1. Phys and Math won't do any better. GP is so unpredictable.. Gosh! My life is in chaos.
I'm not sure since when I starts to become a fatalist. I won't say I'm totally resign to my fate. But I just don't trust myself. At least my past experiences told me that I better don't. Why is that person so close yet so far? It's been like this for the past two years. And I've been like this for the past two years.
I tried to go against what is destined. Take for instances, the MI challenge 2007. After locking myself up for 3 weeks, I leave my house (I'm down for my CCA duty) with sorrow and agony. Having heard that the senior took part in the 42.195km race I tot perhaps I may get this one last chance to see him running pass after he graduate. But I didn't. I packed my stuff and leave this country for a week and found a quiet place to run away from those unfortunate things that happened around me. It took me a lot of courage to get back and face the reality that losing someone close and seeing ur close one in pain is a form of torture to urself coz u cant do anything to help.
Hahaha It's a tough lesson learnt. A lot of things are fated and perhaps predestined. Things which are not meant to be yours will never be. I choose to stay away and kept some distance with frenzs coz if any unfortunate things happen at least I won't feel so devastated. I know is silly to think in this way but I haven really walk out from that fear of mine.
I think that's the reason for me being so distant n cold. Hmmm that so far yet so close is doing fine. At least I see him doing fine in school now. We each have our own life to live and I know our road will never meet.
Damn..I wrote whole chunk of rubbish out in the morning. Don't know who are the patient one that have that kind of American time to finish reading all these..zz I juz wanna write it off to smoothen my imperfectness in life. BYE